three

i remember
waiting for you
so foreign
so emotional
for my joy
to be their loss

and then they handed
you to me
and i was lost
surrendered
to loving you
forever

you fill
my days with laughter
you keep
me running, always
you are
my son, forever

nine

How many? they ask

and I hold you in my mind

like a dream, like a secret prize

In the shadows of my heart

you age

through a veil, through a glass

you are alive

my daydreams keep time

losing teeth, climbing trees, sweaty sleeping blonde heads

always with me

in the shadows of my heart

And I am so rich

with my arms overflowing

laughter all around me

laughter in me

but always 

hearing

the laughter beyond me

weeping room

every room is a weeping room
where we fight
to hope, to surrender

every room is a weeping room
even we we laugh

every room is a weeping room
shadows and angels
dreams and eternity

every room is a waiting room
for the room where there's no more weeping

home

home
is where the heart is, they say
but my heart is in too many places
and I want to go home
but home
is broken

and here is home
here, with mine
but not wholly, not like it should be

and I know if I went
it wouldn't be the same
they wouldn't be the same
and I'd want to be home

home
is a moment I remember
a ghostly yesterday
that I think I want back
but I can't have it

home
is here, and I will be content
home is where the ache is

wait a little

it's just a breath
I know

and the scene will change
from this, with the squealing and the running
and the laughing and the sloppy baby kisses

and the never-ending dishes and the toy chaos
and the settling into bed, content to know
everyone is gathered in and asleep, mismatched pajamas and wild hair

and the sibling wars and the crying
and the closeness
and me always in the middle
the center of your little worlds

it will shift as you grow
and I will remember who I was before you
but I will miss you
crazy babies

daddy/toby

he's so much like you
with his books
and his apples
crossing his feet, his stinky feet

"all of them"
he says, when asked which book is his favorite
and it's not your voice
but it is

I remember
you seeing me
celebrating me
knowing me

I'm so glad I got a boy like you

for kelly

i miss my babies, you say
memories of a sterile room
and the tearing away
and i know

we got here differently
but in the end
we are mothers without our children
aching for restoration

i'm standing beside you
as the grief rolls down our faces
we are the same

and someday
i will stand beside you
for the reunion

only girl

she's wearing a polka-dotted swimsuit

under

plastic pants

pink tights

a purple shirt

and a Santa Claus hat

she goes from laughing hysterically

to sobbing in the corner, humiliated

over something none of us remember

and though we try to hide it

the world revolves around her

lash-fringed eyes and pouty pink lips

oh baby, how did you get to be the queen? 

adopting 2

also written 5/26/10, waiting for our first adoption match

You’re moving

From a dream in my heart

To a person in my hands

From an idea

To a baby

Arms and legs and twinkling eyes

I’m starting to believe

I will love you

Even more than the hope of you

And as I lift you

From your basket

We become a family

adopting 1

written 5/26/10, waiting for our first adoption match

Today

You are safe, nestled in your mother’s womb

She will give you life

Because of love

You are a survivor

Your generation is decimated

An empty crib, an empty crib, and then you

As she lets you go

You’re falling, falling

Into the hands

Of family

You will stand

A sign in your generation

A voice for life and love

addiction

You think

We can give you our hearts, our spleens, our blood

And somehow it won’t affect us

So you’re fine

And we’re bleeding out

And we can’t stop loving you

We try and we try

And you’re running and falling

Every day could be your last

We’re lying in bed, staring at the ceiling

Unable to sleep, wondering where you are

Hearts shattering a million times

While you smoke the rent and laugh and laugh

And you never see, you never see, you never see

The fallout

The tears that keep your boat from sinking

Are not the ones you cried

And when you’re through

And you’re cold and hungry and tired

You want a safe place to rest your head

But our shoulders are tired

From carrying the weight of your sin

Your life, your death and your pride

birth.family.

"People say he has my ears," I tell you,

and we all laugh

because he has your ears

and your eyes and your blood

the cord that holds us together

is him 

and whether he knows or not, yet

his family is deep and wide and beautiful

for a moment 

I am looking in two sets of crystal blue eyes

two dimpled chins

the same rosebud mouth I see every day, today I see on you

because he is part of you

he holds my hand

he holds all our hearts

we will always be connected

evan, rees, seven

seven

i remember being seven

in heaven, is it a little the same?

I'm okay, you know

not whole, because part of me is you

but okay

somedays, though, it is agony

to know just a veil separates us

brothers, blonde and strong, tumbling

just on the other side of the screen

between me and you

when I close my eyes 

I can see you, almost

my sons, my babies, my boys

flesh of my flesh, spirit

I love you

Tracie

They want to know
And you want them to understand
But they can’t, not really
And you find yourself, time and time again
In the center, explaining while they cry


And you’re mad
Because it didn’t have to be this way
And it’s worth it, every minute
But it didn’t HAVE to be this way


Your heart, your eyes, your arms ache
He is rich, and alive, and so much more
And you want them to understand
But they can’t, not really
They stand on the outside, pity and admiration and fear


And you’re lonely, I know
I wish I could help
But I’m here too


I want to say
That hope doesn’t die
And love makes it worth it
And you will live through this, and grow
That every crisis will make you love him more
That there will be easy days, full of laughter
And that I understand, even if I can’t think of anything to say

transition

in between
today and tomorrow
I'm not who I am, or who I was, or who I'm becoming
here
in the middle

and I'm happy and I'm sad
and stagnant and growing
lonely and surrounded
waiting

I will miss today, when it's yesterday

so how, now, to breathe this breath?

Rain is beautiful. I love sunshiny days, with no clouds and birds and what-not, but rainy days might be my favorite. Every rain is different. Today, it's just a little gray with a light rain, just enough to surround me here in my house of windows. 

The air is cloaked in an easy melancholy, like listening to a violin play while your heart aches, just a little. Sometimes sunlight is so brash, so intrusive and overly cheerful, and you just need a break. So the sky weeps and you feel at home, just for a little while. 

So I sit, still and quiet for a change, and welcome the ache. It's part of who I am, who I am made to be, and so often I chase it away with silliness. I was made for another world, for another reality. 

in the dim

I see Your hand

tracing shapes in the water

dreaming for me

Blush

Just the sound of walking
Shoes scraping against asphalt
Strollers whisking past, full of life
Overhead, behind and before us, angels sing Holy.

We are silent, because we can hear children screaming
We are silent, because their voice is denied
We are silent, because broken hearts make no sound
Hear our silent screams, you kings.
You will answer for every drop of blood.

Around us, trucks and helicopters and why, why, why, blaring from screens
“You should be ashamed” they say.
No, you should be ashamed.
Your hands are stained, and you have forgotten how to blush.

God, end abortion and send revival to America.

radiant chapters (read top to bottom, bottom to top)

It’s a beginning

It’s an ending and

I don’t want to turn the page

Even though I know it will be beautiful

Oh, my friend

the world has shifted

nothing is right, and yet

it's better than I expected

I sat on the couch and waited

you bled out the pain and the guilt

I sat on the couch and waited

king's hearts were moved

I sat on the couch and waited

you walked away alone

I will sit on the couch and wait

to see you again

my precious friend

ode to the maus

oh little mouse

how happy you would be

in my trash can

full of corn dog remnants

and soggy peanut butter crackers

but you, you see nothing

smell nothing

taste nothing

nothing but the crunching death of a mousetrap

Womanhood, again

I am like Eve

guilty

cursed

and still blessed, somehow

I am like Sarai

waiting 

longing

disbelieving

victorious

I am like Rachel

treasured 

forgotten

barren

mother

I am like you

afraid

alone

and accepted

This breath I take has been breathed before

Nothing new under the sun

The continual groaning of humanity

to be loved 

to be whole

Delayed

Hey history,

don't hold your breath

We probably won't 

get it right, either

The keys are in our hands

but we're hungry, and tired

and bored

Another generation, sleeping away greatness

Star

how you shine
a star alone in the moonlight
beauty wearing thin in the late hour

how i wish
you were inside
with your heart at rest

find peace, glimmering one
please, please find peace

brynn is changing

Saying goodbye to you
but not really
goodbye to who you are now, to me

the beauty is, I get to say hello
right away
to who you are becoming

Brynn is two

tiny fairy
little imp
you are all that is sweet and beautiful
and fire and spark

you issue your commands
collapse on the floor in tears
scream in amazement
captivate us all

oh the daintiness
and the elegance
you are the princess
and the jewel

Happy Birthday, baby!

waiting room

a frozen moment
when i know you are falling

and i am running, running to catch you
as you hit the ground

and i am waiting, waiting, waiting
to see if you are the same
or irreversibly broken

and i am wondering
could i have stopped you?
if my arms were longer
or if i were different....

and i am waiting, waiting
with the beeping and the blood
waiting for you to be you again

wealth

to think

that only moments ago

i was bereft

weeping into empty hands

to think 

that i am so rich

only minutes ago

i cried at the hope

of ever laughing again

i ached for the touch

of a child

and now

i ache with the joy

arms overflowing

and wide open

the Call California

i am standing in the sea

we are the waves

You are the wind

when You breathe

we move as one

wave upon wave upon wave

and the shore is eroding

we win, because You win

there's a shift in the sand

something changed

and i was a part

tears

tonight
you weep into your pillow
i hold your hand, across the miles

fingers clasped over the ocean
the agony of shared suffering
i know i know i know

my heart is so knit
i can feel the breaking from here
the sharp longing of what should have been

A

and you just keep looking
you give away and sell and sell
looking

and he's not the answer
and neither was he
or he or he

and my heart is breaking
when you call me in tears
because he didn't fix you either

and you poison your blood
to forget, to remember
to kill the truth

and you call me, terrified
because death follows you
and my heart is breaking

and still you run, baby girl
in sick, bloody circles
from the only Daddy who knows

Peculiar

Long matted ponytail
Khakis and loafers
Chains and black fingernails
Buttons and zippers
Leather bound Bibles
and broken down satchels

Can you see them?
They’re an army of contradictions
Marching in formation
A parade of opposites

Somehow
We all love the same Man
It’s a beautiful impossibility

Daddy's hands

I used to take my little hand and put in on your palm if you closed your fingers my hand disappeared
I used to fold your fingers down one after another strong and worn biggest hands in the world
This morning it was raining and a tiny hand held mine opening, closing
Thanks for teaching me how

Grace

the thing about grace is
it's amazing
undeserved
and sufficient

what kind of God
offers absolution?
what kind of God
buys back captives?

it's enough to make
a sinner a lover
captured forever

March to DC

Weary steps
plodding, dragging
Alone with a cause
pressing toward the Mark

Two now
a little stronger
United in purpose
We are here! We are here!

A group
Weak and valiant
Voices raised
So they can hear us

An army
Weeping warriors
Broken with Your dreams
We march in cadence

A multitude
fatherless yet Fathered
watching the tide turn
as we pray

Aslan

approaching You
so much wilder than I knew
fire and light and blazing eyes
I wanted You to be cuddly

Livi

Beyond the veil
you run and play
childish laughter fills the air

You are caught up
by scarred arms
and embraced, beaming

Your eyes sparkle
as you nestle deep
the safest place in the universe

You live, Livi
Just beyond the curtain
You are hidden to me
But you live

for my friend

tape
or pin or stitch
a word aptly spoken
a gentle nudge
an alarmed cry
a shouted warning

this time I can't stop you
and I can't fix it
torn

bigger hands than mine
will have to put the pieces together
not how they were, never again
but new

the Call Alabama

There's thousands of us here
and nobody really knows why
except maybe if we join together and ask
You will come
and remove the curse from this nation

We're all badly broken
and flawed, so flawed
but maybe, if we lift You up
You'll draw us near

The sound is deafening
a multitude of hearts breaking
with Yours, for Yours

And maybe we've got it right
maybe we've got it wrong
but we can't stop asking
that much we know

I said, You said

Condemn it, I said.
Just tear the whole thing down.
It's been wrecked beyond repair, I said.

No, no. You said.
There's beauty in these ruins.
Wait a little, You said.

The pain is too great, I said.
It will swallow me whole.
I can't see for the smoke, I said.

Look here, You said.
There's diamonds from the coals,
You will shine again, You said.

I'm beginning to see, I said.
Afraid to hope but hoping.
Maybe You can rebuild me, I said.

brynn's 1st birthday

bright
smiles and blue eyes

brynn means hopeful, you know
you remind me every day

deep
my heart aches over you
tiny one, my baby girl

you bring joy
in countless ways
and you aren't even trying

you are beauty and song
we celebrate you
with kisses and nicknames
and the ocassional piledrive from a brother

feminine
your rosebud lips and dainty charm
tiny fingers and fingernails always reaching

Thanksgiving

i need to have
this moment here
to see that everything has not changed

i need to know
that you, and I
are strong and happy and close

i need to hear
you laugh and laugh
and see it all the way to your eyes

i know the truth
sometimes the tears
are close behind the joy

but if we can laugh together
we'll be okay

Simple

Simple
but increasingly complicated
loving someone
and hating what they do

the wounds of a friend

Trusting
Forgetting the possibility
that all at once
the dagger could strike again

faithful
the wounds of a friend

7 years

There was this Red Supra that sped by... it only had 3 hubcaps. And the hood was burnt a little. The windows were down, but it was a lady with gray hair.
There was this denim shirt that went by. It was stretched to the maximum on the shoulders, and wrinkled where it was tucked in, one time long ago. It was some guy at the gas station.
I heard some cowboy boots and turned to look. Worn black snakeskin... massive feet. Somebody else.
A flash of silver hair, the crunch of an apple. The smell of computers. Somebody else.
And every time my heart skips a beat and I think- you! But it's somebody else.
And I guess you aren't coming back. Heaven must be pretty good.

Brynn (in utero)

Bide a wee, lass, bide a wee
In your mother safe and warm
Though angels be spinnin their glorious tales
Bide a wee, lass, with me

I've two arms a'waitn
And a home full o' love
So bide a wee, lass, with me

Shadow boys

Is this motherhood, this fleeting sense of ownership...
this reaching out to grip, just as it becomes a memory
this holding and releasing
This blinking, and finding
change happening before your eyes

And even when I try to hold too tightly,
they evade my grasp
shadow boys

Happy Birthday

a wee cry
and then beeping
and then more crying
and then you awe holy....
Oh ki gosh!
and singing
and singing
and singing
and praying
and laughing
and telling Buzz what's up
on the phone
banging loudly on the piano
and singing, hands flapping
the sounds of you
what joy

Happy Birthday, Richy.

what if

what if
I call for You
and You don't come

what if
I'm waiting
and You're busy

what if
You do come
and You don't like me

what if
You change everything
and I don't like it

what if
I try really hard
and I still can't find You

what if
everybody asks me where You are
and I don't know what to say

what if?

6 years

When you left.... I said I didn't think I would ever laugh again.
But I roared and guffawed at your memorial.
You made me this way, you bad man.
I can't sit through a wedding or a funeral
Without a wicked little dialogue in my head,
Telling me what is so funny.

I thought I would never have
That strength and stability
Home, family ever again
But there was Mama.

I thought it was over
This comedy called
Parenting adults
Seeing how rich and how funny and how strange
But Georgia

I thought no one would charm the waitress
The cashier
The guy at the drive through
And do crazy things in public
But there was Bobby

I thought I would never
Catch someone's eye in church, or a meeting
And have to look away because something is so funny
I lost my friend, I thought
But Leah

I thought we had lost
The black and silver fire
Mystery and grace
Wrapped in hilarity
But.... Calvin

I thought the shoulders were gone
Those broad shoulders to ride on
And all the tricks and teasing
But then I found my kids up there
And there was me

It's not that I don't miss you
It's just that you left so much behind
For us to enjoy

Happy homecoming, Daddy
I hope you have a G5

waking

I guess
this is the joy that comes in the morning

And maybe I can see again
I hope

I think
It's safe to open my arms
And welcome in the prodigals

Maybe I am somehow becoming
Whole again
I am

I find
That I can laugh again
And cry from more than grief

This ending
is a beginning
the sun is out
I see

You

from a liquid room
eyes shut, body curled
I saw You
warm, surrounding
You

I saw You
sun-dappled days
grass and swingsets and books
embracing, accepting
You

I saw You
alone
brave and scared
strong and safe
You

I saw You
strings and percussion
healing
tears
transformation
rejection
heartache
big yet close
You

from a dark room
eyes shut, body curled
I saw You
fierce and unprotective
You

I saw You
tentative
angry but hoping
wild and unsafe
You

I see You
warm and surrounding
embracing, accepting
strong and safe
big yet close
fierce and unprotective
wild and unsafe
all
You

childhood

there’s a somber sweetness about childhood.
i remember walking barefoot. half painted toenails carefully navigating over white broken rocks. finding treasures: a red leaf, a stream running through woods. a trail through trees to my friends house.
i remember anticipation. always, something coming.
i remember running to the ice cream truck, waiting in line. getting something, usually red. trying to keep it from running down my arms by holding it out. tangy cold sweetness. red is the color of childhood.
i remember friendship. closer than sisters for days on end. then the bitter acrimony of switching sisters. secrets on the playground. songs sung with what seemed to be great skill.
i remember running. whatever it was, i couldn’t get there fast enough. running, arms spread out to be a pegasus. running, arms tucked to make it to base. running, spinning, laughing, falling.
i remember knowing. i’ve forgotten now.
i remember being a daughter. the safety of home.
i remember cats. lazy furry curly cats.
i remember barbie. long blonde hair and carefully painted eyes. ken was always dutiful and captivated.
i remember boys. the smell of sweat always mixed with crayons and the sawdust from pencil sharpeners. knowing they were looking and finding myself talking too loud.
i remember lunches. crisp crackly brown paper bags. peanut butter sandwiches on white bread.
i remember innocence. believing in a world where evil was only in the movies, and bad guys always came clean at the end.
i remember thinking that i was the only real thing and everything else was a dream.
i remember beautiful days, grass and sunshine and puddles.

i remember thinking that in the end, everything would work out fine. i was right.

Sleepwalking

Waiting for Toby, 3 days before he was born

I am sleepwalking
I'm hoping that maybe
if I tiptoe softly enough
then you will come
And not just be another
sweet dream faded too soon

Maybe if I don't wake up
You will come
and be the substance
of this hope

Maybe if I don't want you too much... maybe if I close my eyes... maybe
if I sleep
Then you can come and fill my arms
and I can be at peace

ode to ctk

Today I will go to Christ the King

and sit in a hard plastic chair

I will lift my voice and sing

And admire Lindsey's hair


You may ask, would it say

My bum, if it could speak

NO! Not the hardened chairs of gray

For they will bruise the cheek!


It's true enough, I can't deny

The seats are awfully hard

So I will answer in reply

A pillow I'll bring my bum to guard


the end

trash can

at a youth camp in Va Beach

tonight I played my keyboard
on top of a trash can
there’s something there
maybe I don’t want to know

I ate lukewarm pizza
out of a cardboard box
listened to Randy Travis
thought about myself

then the kids came
pimply laughing afraid small
trying so hard to look whole
and I remembered
why I do this

rest

tonight
it’s quiet
for a moment
and I wonder
if maybe I’ll be ok.

if maybe the madness is past
or it never happened
and really I can handle this

last night
it stormed
and I cried
and I asked
will it ever change

will I ever be free
will I ever have joy
will I ever know what it is
I need but can’t seem to find

I don’t know
but for tonight
I can rest

Flashlight

After Evan and Rees died

in the middle of the lilies
there’s a broken body
and I realize
all is not well

I try to skip but the pavement
was destroyed in the explosion

and all the Barbies melted

I know that there is a whole place
just over there
And over there, there’s something right
But I seem stuck
all these babies are holding my feet down

where’s my flashlight?
I had it minutes ago.
I could see way down the path
I could see all the flowers
all the children
no one was sick
no one was dying

Was it a dream?
That place I lived for so long
has fragmented into a very claustrophobic cavern
I’m stuck in the universe
and nothing is quite as I thought

brokenness

written during a Night Watch... overnight prayer with the youth group

I want to revel in brokenness
to dance in brokenness
to laugh at my tears
because it feels so good
to be near to You
feels like so long
since I’ve been near You

I want to sing in brokenness
to weep tears of joy
to not be afraid
to wash Your feet with my tears
and love every minute
To be so close to You
to taste Your tears

I want to dance with You in brokenness
to hold Your hands
and dance the fear away
every step is life

daddy

after my dad died

When your heart
was glad
my heart
lived for your joy
my eyes
shone like the light in your eyes
when your heart
was grieving
my heart
plunged to your depth
my eyes
searched for the light in your eyes
when your heart
was sleeping
my heart was awake
my eyes
begged for a light in your eyes
when your heart stopped
my heart did too
my eyes
carry the light from your eyes