home

home
is where the heart is, they say
but my heart is in too many places
and I want to go home
but home
is broken

and here is home
here, with mine
but not wholly, not like it should be

and I know if I went
it wouldn't be the same
they wouldn't be the same
and I'd want to be home

home
is a moment I remember
a ghostly yesterday
that I think I want back
but I can't have it

home
is here, and I will be content
home is where the ache is

wait a little

it's just a breath
I know

and the scene will change
from this, with the squealing and the running
and the laughing and the sloppy baby kisses

and the never-ending dishes and the toy chaos
and the settling into bed, content to know
everyone is gathered in and asleep, mismatched pajamas and wild hair

and the sibling wars and the crying
and the closeness
and me always in the middle
the center of your little worlds

it will shift as you grow
and I will remember who I was before you
but I will miss you
crazy babies

daddy/toby

he's so much like you
with his books
and his apples
crossing his feet, his stinky feet

"all of them"
he says, when asked which book is his favorite
and it's not your voice
but it is

I remember
you seeing me
celebrating me
knowing me

I'm so glad I got a boy like you

for kelly

i miss my babies, you say
memories of a sterile room
and the tearing away
and i know

we got here differently
but in the end
we are mothers without our children
aching for restoration

i'm standing beside you
as the grief rolls down our faces
we are the same

and someday
i will stand beside you
for the reunion