trash can

at a youth camp in Va Beach

tonight I played my keyboard
on top of a trash can
there’s something there
maybe I don’t want to know

I ate lukewarm pizza
out of a cardboard box
listened to Randy Travis
thought about myself

then the kids came
pimply laughing afraid small
trying so hard to look whole
and I remembered
why I do this

rest

tonight
it’s quiet
for a moment
and I wonder
if maybe I’ll be ok.

if maybe the madness is past
or it never happened
and really I can handle this

last night
it stormed
and I cried
and I asked
will it ever change

will I ever be free
will I ever have joy
will I ever know what it is
I need but can’t seem to find

I don’t know
but for tonight
I can rest

Flashlight

After Evan and Rees died

in the middle of the lilies
there’s a broken body
and I realize
all is not well

I try to skip but the pavement
was destroyed in the explosion

and all the Barbies melted

I know that there is a whole place
just over there
And over there, there’s something right
But I seem stuck
all these babies are holding my feet down

where’s my flashlight?
I had it minutes ago.
I could see way down the path
I could see all the flowers
all the children
no one was sick
no one was dying

Was it a dream?
That place I lived for so long
has fragmented into a very claustrophobic cavern
I’m stuck in the universe
and nothing is quite as I thought