nine

How many? they ask

and I hold you in my mind

like a dream, like a secret prize

In the shadows of my heart

you age

through a veil, through a glass

you are alive

my daydreams keep time

losing teeth, climbing trees, sweaty sleeping blonde heads

always with me

in the shadows of my heart

And I am so rich

with my arms overflowing

laughter all around me

laughter in me

but always 

hearing

the laughter beyond me

for kelly

i miss my babies, you say
memories of a sterile room
and the tearing away
and i know

we got here differently
but in the end
we are mothers without our children
aching for restoration

i'm standing beside you
as the grief rolls down our faces
we are the same

and someday
i will stand beside you
for the reunion

evan, rees, seven

seven

i remember being seven

in heaven, is it a little the same?

I'm okay, you know

not whole, because part of me is you

but okay

somedays, though, it is agony

to know just a veil separates us

brothers, blonde and strong, tumbling

just on the other side of the screen

between me and you

when I close my eyes 

I can see you, almost

my sons, my babies, my boys

flesh of my flesh, spirit

I love you

tears

tonight
you weep into your pillow
i hold your hand, across the miles

fingers clasped over the ocean
the agony of shared suffering
i know i know i know

my heart is so knit
i can feel the breaking from here
the sharp longing of what should have been

waking

I guess
this is the joy that comes in the morning

And maybe I can see again
I hope

I think
It's safe to open my arms
And welcome in the prodigals

Maybe I am somehow becoming
Whole again
I am

I find
That I can laugh again
And cry from more than grief

This ending
is a beginning
the sun is out
I see

You

from a liquid room
eyes shut, body curled
I saw You
warm, surrounding
You

I saw You
sun-dappled days
grass and swingsets and books
embracing, accepting
You

I saw You
alone
brave and scared
strong and safe
You

I saw You
strings and percussion
healing
tears
transformation
rejection
heartache
big yet close
You

from a dark room
eyes shut, body curled
I saw You
fierce and unprotective
You

I saw You
tentative
angry but hoping
wild and unsafe
You

I see You
warm and surrounding
embracing, accepting
strong and safe
big yet close
fierce and unprotective
wild and unsafe
all
You

rest

tonight
it’s quiet
for a moment
and I wonder
if maybe I’ll be ok.

if maybe the madness is past
or it never happened
and really I can handle this

last night
it stormed
and I cried
and I asked
will it ever change

will I ever be free
will I ever have joy
will I ever know what it is
I need but can’t seem to find

I don’t know
but for tonight
I can rest

Flashlight

After Evan and Rees died

in the middle of the lilies
there’s a broken body
and I realize
all is not well

I try to skip but the pavement
was destroyed in the explosion

and all the Barbies melted

I know that there is a whole place
just over there
And over there, there’s something right
But I seem stuck
all these babies are holding my feet down

where’s my flashlight?
I had it minutes ago.
I could see way down the path
I could see all the flowers
all the children
no one was sick
no one was dying

Was it a dream?
That place I lived for so long
has fragmented into a very claustrophobic cavern
I’m stuck in the universe
and nothing is quite as I thought