daddy/toby

he's so much like you
with his books
and his apples
crossing his feet, his stinky feet

"all of them"
he says, when asked which book is his favorite
and it's not your voice
but it is

I remember
you seeing me
celebrating me
knowing me

I'm so glad I got a boy like you

Daddy's hands

I used to take my little hand and put in on your palm if you closed your fingers my hand disappeared
I used to fold your fingers down one after another strong and worn biggest hands in the world
This morning it was raining and a tiny hand held mine opening, closing
Thanks for teaching me how

7 years

There was this Red Supra that sped by... it only had 3 hubcaps. And the hood was burnt a little. The windows were down, but it was a lady with gray hair.
There was this denim shirt that went by. It was stretched to the maximum on the shoulders, and wrinkled where it was tucked in, one time long ago. It was some guy at the gas station.
I heard some cowboy boots and turned to look. Worn black snakeskin... massive feet. Somebody else.
A flash of silver hair, the crunch of an apple. The smell of computers. Somebody else.
And every time my heart skips a beat and I think- you! But it's somebody else.
And I guess you aren't coming back. Heaven must be pretty good.

6 years

When you left.... I said I didn't think I would ever laugh again.
But I roared and guffawed at your memorial.
You made me this way, you bad man.
I can't sit through a wedding or a funeral
Without a wicked little dialogue in my head,
Telling me what is so funny.

I thought I would never have
That strength and stability
Home, family ever again
But there was Mama.

I thought it was over
This comedy called
Parenting adults
Seeing how rich and how funny and how strange
But Georgia

I thought no one would charm the waitress
The cashier
The guy at the drive through
And do crazy things in public
But there was Bobby

I thought I would never
Catch someone's eye in church, or a meeting
And have to look away because something is so funny
I lost my friend, I thought
But Leah

I thought we had lost
The black and silver fire
Mystery and grace
Wrapped in hilarity
But.... Calvin

I thought the shoulders were gone
Those broad shoulders to ride on
And all the tricks and teasing
But then I found my kids up there
And there was me

It's not that I don't miss you
It's just that you left so much behind
For us to enjoy

Happy homecoming, Daddy
I hope you have a G5

daddy

after my dad died

When your heart
was glad
my heart
lived for your joy
my eyes
shone like the light in your eyes
when your heart
was grieving
my heart
plunged to your depth
my eyes
searched for the light in your eyes
when your heart
was sleeping
my heart was awake
my eyes
begged for a light in your eyes
when your heart stopped
my heart did too
my eyes
carry the light from your eyes